It’s been a while…

It’s been a awhile since I’ve posted anything here.

Things have been going pretty well for once. My boyfriend and I are happy. Things with my parents are okay. Works going well. I’m pretty content with how life is going. 

I had my birthday which was a lot of fun, now I’m 23 and seeping closer to full fledged adulthood which is terrifying. 

I’ve been doing a lot of adventuring with Mike, hiking, swimming, running. Just keeping active. 

And I’ve been moving forward more with my photography and will hopefully be posting some shots on here soon.

In more depressing news…

Mike has been applying for jobs in Toronto, which means we’d have to move. And that thought scares me. I’ve never been away from home for longer than 2 weeks. The thought of leaving my parents and my dog and cat scare me. It upsets me to think of something happening and not being able to be there for them.

I have serious dependency issues, and the thought of being 5 hours away from the people who I’ve depended on for my whole life makes me whole being shake.

I know I need to start my own life. And the thought of starting a life with Mike makes my heart swell with happiness.

I don’t know how to be an adult yet. And I’m terrified.

Thank you for listening.

The tipping point.

Yesterday I reached the lowest point of my life. 

I got so angry that I broke my hand in a fit of rage and put a whole in the wall of my kitchen. I yelled at my boyfriend over something pointless and unnecessarily. I screamed and cried for 25 minutes. 

He sat there beside me holding a bag of frozen vegetables against my hand telling me to snap out of it. My face was soaking wet from the tears and my hand was already bruised and bleeding.

My boyfriend got me dressed, dragged me out of the house, sat me in the car, and drove me to my therapy appointment.

He sat in the appointment with me explaining to my therapist exactly how bad the situation was and how much worse I have been getting. She was surprised. She saw my hand and my red, tear stained face, and the tears my boyfriend was holding back.

As I sat there listening to my therapist talk me through breathing and grounding exercises, I realized I couldn’t do this anymore. 

I needed to get a grip. 

She talked me through understanding the various parts of my mind. How important me being here was. And how lucky I am to have this amazing guy by my side to walk me through these horrible moments and periods of self loathing and desctruction.

Today has been the first day in years that not one single negative thought has crossed my mind. A real smile has been on my face all day. My chest no longer feels heavy.

I feel free.


Thank you. 

Confused

I’ve always been a huge hopeless romantic that is extremely affectionate and willing to do absolutely anything for the person I’m with.

Right now, I’m with someone who is the complete opposite. He doesn’t follow the stereotypes of love, doesn’t believe in gross displays of affection, saying I Love You, marriage, spending a lot of time together, Valentine’s Day, planning dates….

He has also been by himself, he doesn’t have many friends and he’s never had a relationship. He spends all his free time playing video games. He needs all that time alone. And I’m someone who loves spending time with the people I love at all times.

I’m at a hard point in my life. He’s telling me these things and it’s slowly breaking my heart. I can see us getting married and starting a family, spending our lives together. But that’s not something he believes in. He doesn’t even know if he wants to be with one person for the rest of his life.

I love him so much, and he makes me so happy when we aren’t arguing over these things. But lately, almost every day we argue over these difference in futures. He says he doesn’t know what he wants right now, he doesn’t feel happy in this town, he has no idea what kind of future he wants.

I know he has these feelings because he’s never been in a relationship before and it’s threatening his time alone. But he doesn’t realize how willing I am to give him everything he wants to make him happy so we can be happy together.

I just want to be with him and continue having our cooking nights, and laughs, and days together. But I’m a persuer, and he’s a distancer

I don’t know what to do.

Thank you.

Self-care

I’ve never been one who has liked my body. I often shower in the dark, turn away from mirrors, don’t like having my picture taken. 

One of my bigger issues has always been my weight. I’m a short girl and any sort of weight on me just shows so much and I hate it. I always wear baggy clothes to try and hide anything that may show. I’m trying to learn to love myself, but it’s hard. Years of hating the way you look, it’s difficult to change that state of mind.

One of the things I fear the most is swimming. The thought of displaying my body in such little clothing infront of dozens of other people out in public….I can’t. 

But, alas, my boyfriend has convinced me to try something new, and I officially bought my first two piece bathing suit. It’s a small step, and who knows how long it’ll take to wear it out in public.

But I think this is a small improvement. 

Thank you

My Support Group

There are very few things nowadays that can make me happy. Two things that always do no matter what are my boyfriend and my pup.

These two have become such an important part of my life because of their support and care for me. Even through the hardest and most difficult of times, when I lash out with irritability, where I’m crying for no reason, these two are there. 

I’ve isolated myself from a lot of my friends, but these two are still here after everything. My pup with her unconditional love and affection and infinite cuddles. And my boyfriend with his patience and support and ability to make me laugh and keep me realistic.

These two are beautiful creatures, and I am truly the luckiest person to have them in my life.

Thank you

Early mornings

If there’s something I can never get tired of, it’s sunrises. As someone who works at 6am, early mornings are something I’ve come to appreciate.

To me it’s my most calm state, first thing in the morning, getting ready, looking out my window and seeing Mother Nature at her best. There’s so much beauty in the sky when the world wakes up, something not many people get to see.

One of my favourite things to do is drive out to the airport near my house, park on the side of the road, and have a full landscape shot of the start of the day. At those moments, I collect myself. I think about what I’ve been feeling lately, why I’ve been feeling it, and what I should do about these feelings. Thoughts that would usually upset me no longer affect me as I gaze at the sunrise. It’s a time for me to ground myself, another hing my therapist tells me to do. To stay in the now and not get lost in my head. A time for meditation. 

Nothing can compare to the beauty of our sky in my opinion, and nothing can compare to the calming site of a sunrise. 
Thank you all.