This is it.

I don’t really know what it is, but the rain always makes me feel incredibly sad. As I look out my living room window from my seat on the couch, I hear the sound of the rain hitting the roof, and I see everything outside soaked. It makes me miserable. I’m not a fan of the sun either, but days like today make it hard to even enjoy nature.

That being said, the last few weeks have been incredibly hard for me. The feeling of heaviness in my chest continues to grow, and I’m always on the verge of tears no matter the situation. Its becoming exhausting. My relationships are suffering from it; boyfriend, parents, friendships, work…

I don’t really know how to feel better. I’ve never felt…”okay”. There’s always 5 million thoughts racing through my head telling me everything thats wrong or that could go wrong. All of it weighs down on me and by the time I register these thoughts, I have become a puddle of sadness.

I’m losing time as well, periods of the day where I forget what’s going on or what I’m doing. I’m so wrapped up in my own mind that I forget there’s a real world out there happening right at my feet. I know I’m supposed to stay grounded and alert to the present and what’s going on around me…but I don’t know if I like it out there either. Its hard to find happiness in a place where neither your mind nor your surroundings can comfort you.

I don’t know what it feels like to be happy. I mean, I know laughter, I know smiling, I do both quite often. But true happiness…I feel like its something I can’t achieve. To be completely fulfilled and willing and free. Theres too much weighing down on me at all times.

There are times, and I hate to admit it, where the thought does cross my mind of if I would be better out of this mind and out of this world. Away from everything that hurts me and makes me cry. I can’t find a reason to stick to something that makes me suffer.

Everyone says it’s supposed to get easier when you get help, but so far the help has only highlighted my problems even more. It’s hard to love yourself when you know how messed up you truly are.

I’m at a loss of what to do at this point, its been so long feeling like this, whats a lifetime more.

Thank you.

 

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